As a result of the stunning electoral loss Republicans suffered this year, Jesus Christ, lord and saviour to approximately 2.2 billion, has announced he is withdrawing his public support for the GOP. "I want to say this wasn't an easy decision, but it's been a long time coming." The Son of God said at a press conference yesterday.
GOP commentators have been quick to suggest that Jesus was withdrawing his support of the party itself but not individual politicians, however the Holy One has since clarified that he did indeed mean both the party and every individual member of it. In response, Rush Limbaugh has denounced Jesus as being just another scheming jew out to get your money to pay for the abortions of whores too lazy to get jobs, moments before being killed by a bolt of lightning.
There'd been much speculation after the Republican's drubbing by Democrats during the recent election, about what Jesus' reaction would be. While other major backers have been quick to distance themselves from a party fast being seen as out of touch with the voters, the Prince of Peace remained quiet. The GOP had been hoping that the silence was a tacit show of approval, but that turns out not to be the case.
So why exactly is Jesus pulling his support for the party he's stood by for so long? "I question their efficacy. And their sanity. Near the end of the election cycle, it was like 4chan hacked their mailing list and told everyone to be racist, homophobic, woman-haters at the exact same time. And this is to say nothing of the Presidential race. Are you kidding me with Mitt Romney? He was the best candidate they had! In the whole country! An out-of-touch robot with a God complex was genuinely the best they could do, and Jesus doesn't like to be on the losing side of history."
The Son of God brushed aside criticisms that he was being a fair-weather friend to the GOP. "No, it's more than that. Among other things, I finally got around to reading the Republican party platform. Have any of you actually taken a look through this? It's like the Old Testament, for My sake. People always ask 'What Would Jesus Do?,' and I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd dump these turkeys."
Atheist groups are applauding the move, stating that Jesus has no place in the political sphere, and that without his constant overriding presence, people might just be able to focus on the issues at hand. "This is a great move," said David Silverman, president of the American Atheists. "This is a good day for the entire country."
Democrats no doubt eager to call this a victory had their hopes dashed by the King of Kings himself, however. When asked if his withdrawal meant that he would be shifting his allegiance to the other major party, He responded: "Not right now, and maybe not ever. Look, people want this to be an easy choice, they want one side to be right, and one side to be wrong. But it's not so simple: both sides are full of wrong-headed idiots. And before you ask about independent parties: no. I'm not giving anybody an endorsement; I'm tired of being used as a soundboard for whatever messed up views a political candidate has, or whatever statements they make."
After a long pause, Jesus added: "So, from here on out, anybody who says they're speaking for me, or that they know I'd agree with them, is a fucking liar."